


rip current

by gwmclintock88



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: Angst, F/F, Hydra Jemma Simmons, Undercover
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-03
Updated: 2014-10-03
Packaged: 2018-02-19 17:54:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,154
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2397470
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gwmclintock88/pseuds/gwmclintock88
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>rip current, not undertow, is a horizontal current generated by breaking waves over a sandbar and returning to the sea through a gap between the bars</p>
<p>(a look into Jemma's thoughts and feelings after being handed a new mission)</p>
            </blockquote>





	rip current

**Author's Note:**

> This is what I hope happens, what I think will happen. Well, not the pairing, that's wishful thinking. 
> 
> Minimal spoilers, mainly some stuff from Episode 2x02 and the teaser for 2x03, but nothing explicit.

            This was not how she expected her life to turn out, well, being a part of a world-wide organization was always in the plans, especially after she finished two doctorates in fields most people couldn’t pronounce or stand to listen to someone talk about it. Then SHIELD happened, and she found herself thrust to the forefront of everything. It was a catalyst for her growth, sparking new and better ideas, and really the best of friendships through Fitz.

            Fitz.

            She tried hard not to think of him, of leaving him behind. She focused on the padd in her hand, the rough texture of the camouflage jacket given to her.

            (rip current, not undertow, is a horizontal current generated by breaking waves over a sandbar and returning to the sea through a gap between the bars.)

She was given orders; she had to follow them, and no matter what happens no one would likely ever know how much she gave up, how much she sacrificed to her get. She got dragged along the bottomless pit of the world, pulled further and further into the darkness, and further and further away from everything she once held close and dear.

            (rip currents are strongest on the surface, and do not pull people underneath the water.)

            Now, her nights were spent in crowded isolation, forever surrounded by people but only she knew how alone she was. This was by choice. She followed orders to the letter, a skill highly valued by a multitude of sources. It served as a behavioral response and a survival tactic, allowing her to remain in charge of her character while giving away little pieces of her soul.

            She had her orders, and only last night snuck away to receive an update from the Director. Now, she was left with only the dead drop and out in the dark. Away from May, Fitz, and Skye. The perfect little family she created and she abandoned them.

Such thoughts would only drag her away from this lie she perfectively constructed and now lived. She excelled at preparation, and found that with enough foreknowledge of a target, she could generate that preparation while in motion.  She found herself falling into the role she created, the pain of loss only adding to her story, and everything she was building a better foundation than anything she expected.

(most deaths caused by rip currents are generated from individuals attempting to swim against the current.)

The Director was correct: the best lies begin with the truth. The easiest ones are the ones you don’t have to keep repeating.

For her, this lie, this story she constructed filed easily into the tiny boxes she built for the mission, mentally categorizing and disseminating information in order to deal with her actions and those around her. Her other boxes, the ones that held other, more important information, the ones for her life on the Bus, were packed away, hidden from both her and anyone thinking of asking about them. Not because she doubted her ability to lie. If anything, these past few months of steadily developing a persona parallel to her own (but betraying everything she ever truly believed in) had developed the deceptive abilities not unlike those out of Ops. She felt even Ward would be fooled by the woman she presented to the world.

(to survive, you had to options: let the tide carry you out to the ocean and then swim diagonally back to shore or swim perpendicular to the tide as it pulls you out.)

She hated that woman. Hated how easily she could pull the trigger, how easily she could allow others to order her to do distasteful experiments without the ethics established by the scientific community. Hated how little she showed to the outside world, how much she left behind and how Fitz believed she abandoned him before he was better and they could talk. Before she could talk to Skye.

But she had her orders.

“Ma’am?” Jemma glanced up from the files provided to her for the next mission. A soldier, a perfect little HYDRA soldier, never questioning, never resisting, stood in front of her.

“What is it?” She let her irritation at the mission coat her voice just a little, adding authenticity to the story of a bitter ex-SHIELD scientist.

“You are to be ready at 0800 in the loading bay,” said the soldier. She rolled her eyes, letting her irritation at the intrusion hide her disbelief of HYDRA: for a covert organization, they seemed to love predictability and hierarchy. It made them vulnerable, if someone knew how to adopt and adapt that predictability for their own needs. The Director certainly knew and he used it to create this advantage for her.

Jemma waved him off, saying, “right, right.” She returned to the file on the gifted acquired by another team only the week before. Minor regenerative abilities along with some cognitive increases. More tests were order, and Jemma silently berated herself for not being there.

She only attended a few such acquisition tasks, instead aiding in assassination of several prominent targets for HYDRA. Those always succeeded, as the Director’s orders were to only prevent or attempt to prevent the acquisition of any 0-8-4s along with gifted. HYDRA at least had the sense only to send the best of the best on the acquisition missions, leaving the rest for their less ‘qualified’ soldiers, where Jemma now found herself.

What information she did release currently provided little aid to the Director, but keeping her head down, nose to the grind, moved her steadily along the ranks, higher and better respected amongst the leaders of this cell.

(above all else, remain calm, as most inexperienced swimmers will try to swim against the tide.)

She closed her eyes again, mentally counting to twenty along the periodic table to calm herself down. She had her orders, and no explanation other than that would be acceptable. Her family would hate her for it, hate the Director for her, but no whispered ‘manscaping’ would get her back to them. Not yet.

Not until she found out why HYRDA wanted the original 0-8-4, and what they were going to do with it.

She was in the jaws of the beast, and she could only last so long with this lie, with this story she prepared and developed. Eventually, things would come to a head and she would face her family again, and forced to continue her mission, regardless of the cost to them.

She’d never be able to tell them how much they meant to her, how much she wanted to reach out and touch them (to kiss her). But she had her mission, and that trumped everything else. Even in the grasp of HYDRA, she was a SHIELD agent, and she could get through this trial, maybe not in one piece, but she would get through it.

She had to.

(Don’t panic.)

**Author's Note:**

> Disney owns Marvel, and therefore owns Agents of SHIELD. I only own the plot of this story. Hopefully, some of it will parallel the show. 
> 
> Thank you, good night and good luck.


End file.
